Year Ends Here...

Its 30th of December and I'm sitting on my bed, with a laptop on my lap, drinking my coffee and thinking. Aaahh, "thinking", something that I do every second. Sometimes I think I should be able to write more and better because of the thinking ability that I have, but I get scared of being too bold in what I write. Then I open my diary and start writing, so I keep that to myself. Someday, that diary may become a book, but I can't let anybody read my diary till I'm alive. Too many thoughts in there, but I still don't do any justice to my mind. That's how much I think!!
                                                                            I'd like to share my thoughts though. The ones I've been having today. I woke up today, not happy due to some reasons, and thought, very soon this year will end and as soon as the next year starts, I'll start going to college starting off with my 4th semester. 3rd semester did not go well. I mean the results which I got last night only. And then I started thinking about all the things I did this year. Had my ups and downs, more of downs, but I still ended up staying strong and happy, all the credit goes to some beautiful people in my life and I thank God for them every single day. Today, I realized that I grew up every single day. Every day I learned something. I don't know about how positive or negative impact it left on me, but I did learn, about people, about life, about myself. Even if we stop growing physically, we never stop growing mentally and emotionally, which I think is very important for us. This year I stopped talking to some people, for the good or bad, I don't know. I got to know new people. I learned that if you care for someone, it's not necessary that they care for you too. I learned that you don't always get what you want and you should be okay with it but I also realized that if that goes on for a long time, then you start giving up, you start losing faith. No matter how much you try to hold on, you just can't and I think it's perfectly alright because you are a human being and you can't be perfect. I also learned that if in this moment you are sad, you have something to be happy about the very next moment and you should not stop yourself from being happy. Because sometimes we think we are supposed to be sad, which is not true. Like today, I was not happy in the morning, I got up from my bed, brushed my teeth, took my bath and whatever that is needed for a normal human being to get fresh, got ready and walked towards Hannah's(my best friend) place. I knew she'd make me forget about it all even if I don't talk to her about it but obviously, you don't hide anything from your best friend, do you? It does not even take seconds for her to change my mood. It's like God made her my best friend so I could transform into my normal self from a boring sad person. And while I walked towards her place which takes at least 15 minutes, I listened to some music, using my amazing new earphones, Yes I wanted to mention that! because I just didn't want my thoughts to ruin my amazing walk. I reached her place, entered her room and she looked at me and there I smiled. The first smile of the day on my face. That's it, my happy hours began there. And while I was talking to her, I realized yet another thing, I have another home, and that's hers. I can go there any time I want and take all my frustration out and come back happy. I'm lucky on that part. Thank God for best friends.
                                      And so, as I thought of everything I did this year, about all my ups and downs, even though the downs were more in number, I know I smiled more than I frowned. Hence, it was a happy year and I thank God for all the blessings he has showered on me in form of the wonderful people I have in my life, who do everything possible and impossible on this earth to see me smile. With this, I know I'll have another happy year, even if it comes with a lot of downs. I know how to stand up straight and walk head to head with all the downs.

Someday...

She is sad. Or broken. She keeps trying to get back to a normal state of mind but something goes wrong every time she tries. People ask what's wrong, and all she says she that she is tired. Tired of having to go through the troubles she'd been facing. Tired of that pain she felt almost every day. Tired of trying to run away to a better place. Tired of looking for happiness. Tired of trying to have some peace of mind. And even if at some point she gets some peace of mind, something or "someone" always takes it away from her. She wants to help herself, but she's helpless? Nothing works. She's banged up, mentally and emotionally. But everyday she walks out with a smile on her face, because that's what she's supposed to do. It's gotten to a point where she doesn't know who she is anymore. She constantly feels like she is on the verge of breaking down. She feels like she's going crazy. She can't sleep, she can't concentrate. She's a mess. She's coming apart at the seams and it scares her. Everybody tells her to be strong, that she can't give up. But they don't know how her life is. They would never know till they try living her life. She knows it wouldn't even take a day for them to give up. Whereas, it's been years since she's been seeing and going through all that she didn't deserve. Nobody understands but there is a difference between giving up, and knowing when you've had enough, and she knows she has had enough. Enough to still go on like this. Enough to still having to live in this hell. But what is it that she can do?

She knows that someday she will be happy again. She knows that someday it will all be good. She knows that someday she will have everything she wishes for. Someday. Only if that someday could come sooner... Someday...

On His Day!!

She started thinking almost a month before about what she could do for him on his day...on his birthday! Now that he was not too far away from her, she wanted to do something for him. She tried to save money, thought she could gift him a t-shirt or maybe his favorite headphones. Then she realized her pocket money would not be enough, but she tried to save anyway, but it just did not happen. She was sad and worried because she really wanted to do something for him. She could have made a journal for him but then they wouldn't have had as many pages for the journal because they were in a long distance for a year and she needed quite a few pictures with him to complete a journal. And so she dropped the plan of making a journal for sometime. She kept thinking and thinking and thinking and could not come up with an idea. She got upset. Thinking was not one of her best things. Every time she thought about something so much she would end up getting upset, because obviously, too much of thinking does no good to anybody. She kept asking her friends to give her some ideas but none of them could help her. She knew he would not expect anything for all he cared about was her being there for him and her love for him, but she wanted to something anyways. She wanted to be able to do something special for him but it seemed like her plans were ruined.

A week before his birthday, all she would talk about was his birthday, her friends were bored and she wanted to shut up but her excitement could be seen on her face and her friends would tease her. And then just a day before his birthday, she started thinking of the words she would say while wishing him at midnight, but nothing seemed to be right, nothing seemed to be perfect. Anything done for him was always too less. An hour before midnight, she started getting restless, she just wanted to call him up and wanted to be able to talk to him. She wished her family wasn't around so that she could wish him and talk to him properly. And she waited... 20 minutes before midnight, she called him up and they talked about random stuff and she suddenly felt nervous, she went all blank, did not remember anything she wanted to say to him...but she didn't let it show...

Finally, at midnight, she wished him and came up with a stupid birthday song and after singing she felt stupid, like a kid. "What was that?" she thought to herself. It was his birthday and that would have possibly been the worst way of wishing anybody. But something made him smile and she was happy about that. He had to keep the phone down because his friends had started calling and they called it a night. In the morning, while she was getting ready to go out, she kept thinking about him. She missed him, wanted to be with him on his day. She still thought of things she could still do for him but nothing worked. She missed him all day and thought about him. He was with his family atleast, he would be having fun and that is enough. "He should have a good day with or without me on his day" she thought but she still couldn't let it go. She so badly wanted to do something for him, that her mind just did not leave the thought of him.

And suddenly she said to herself "I never did so much of thinking for any guy..why am I thinking about him so much, Yes, I love him but...is that how love makes you feel every time, like you want to keep them happy somehow, want to be able to do something every time?" But this stupid love struck girl was stupid enough to not let go of it...and finally she did something, which she still wonders if he'd like it.

So, she still did not stop thinking. Now she had something else to think about. "What if he doesn't like it? Is this good enough for a birthday?" And like always....she kept thinking. The job she does best but it does no good for her.

If Only Fairy Tales Could Come True!!

Ever heard about a childhood love lasting forever? In movies right? It could be true in real life but it happens rarely. One has to be really lucky for that to come true. It's like a fairy tale. It's good to hear but you know it would never come true. And love at first sight? blah! Not possible in real life. But sometimes its great to know that it happens in real life with some lucky people. So here comes the story... A REAL ONE.. not much of a fairy tale but its real and that's what matters...

He was in the second year of sixth grade in a new school. His parents made him repeat since he had not done well. So, a new school, first day, first hour - he saw her. For the first time ever he felt something different about a girl. She was very beautiful! Fair and straight long hair. Everything about her was special and it was a love at first sight. Now as he was just in 6th standard, he was too small to have the guts to ask her out. But in seventh grade, a year later he made his friend tell her about his feelings. His bad luck, she simply told his friend to tell him to get lost. His heart was broken!! Then the poor guy came to know that he was the 17th guy to have asked her out that year. Wow, now who could have imagined she was that beautiful or maybe guys were just desperate. But that was true, so she may have thought that he's one of those stupid guys with no true feelings. He was an invisible person till then in that school. He then started participating in cultural activities like singing, dancing etc and became a well known guy in the school. She had started noticing him and finally went to him and told him that she had fallen for him. Lucky guy was jumping around with happiness because he could not handle the happiness. They started going out from then. She was his first love and he was the same for her. He was mad about her. She stayed 15-20 kms away from his place. He had gone to her house one night all the way walking. This lover used to do this almost every time. First love, initial days. HAPPENS. They were both mad about each other. Years passed and they finished schooling and were still going strong. Both joined for engineering. But in different places, as in different states. She joined somewhere in Cochin and he was in Bangalore. Damn the long distance, nightmare it is. So as expected, long distance started bugging them. Days passed. The frustration creeped in. Again his bad luck, she cheated on him. He came to know about this from someone else and his heart was broken!! And then were the days of anger, sadness...and then he broke up with her. After some time she came back and realized what she did was wrong. She really did understand that. He got back with her. Again after 4-5 months, he realized what she did and broke up again. It was really some confusing time for him. He had feelings for her but couldn't accept the fact that she cheated on him. This became a daily routine for them, break up and patch up, break up and patch up. This went on for a while. Then they finally just broke up. It had been quite some time that he contacted her. He was over her but she was not. Or maybe he thought he was over her but he was not. He had given her a lot of chances but she had broken his heart so bad that he couldn't forget it. She kept coming back to him telling him she loved him and she was sorry and wanted to be with him, but he kept going away.
                                                                        Then after a long time, she came in contact again, and now they are back together. Hoping to have a future together. Maybe he just needed time to get over whatever had happened because no matter what he loved her and he couldn't let her go. And she really loved him and so she kept trying and trying. And finally it paid off. Guess real love always stays. They were both happy and so what else did they need? The past was forgotten and they were back together, in love like never before, stronger!!

And I always love it when love is in the air and that's why I love doing love stories.
And this was not much of a fairy tale like I said before but it is a true story!!! 

It's Complicated!!

Do you love fighting? I hope not. Do I love fighting? Definitely not. 

Then why do we fight? Why do we argue? Why do we get into fights with the ones we love? The more we love someone the more we fight with them? Why? 

Because sometimes we don't agree with what the other person says, or because we don't like what they do. Something or the happens and we get into fights. 

                                                   I am so scared of fights that whenever I get into a fight with a close one, I get scared. I get scared that I'd lose them, that they'll go away from me. I don't take fights in a positive sense at all. Can fights be taken in a positive sense? I don't know. Because when we fight, it never feels good. 

                                                   I've been fighting with him since 2-3 days now. Everyday, we fight over some new topic. Sometimes its about his job, sometimes its about some stupid thing I did or something that he did. Things get so weird for me because I get scared and I can't help it. Why do we have to make compromises in relationships? Every time one has to compromise for the other. Why can't we just live without compromises? These things make the relationships so complicated. You do something, then the other is not happy and then you do something for their happiness but you really are not that happy. One always has to adjust. But why do we have to adjust? Why can't things be a little easier? Why does every part of living has to be tough? Whatever we do, one of us is always a little upset with things. But this does not mean we don't love each other. We do.  A lot. We just have to meet to forget it all. We just meet and see each others faces and all the sadness goes away and it feels like nothing was ever wrong.  Every time we fight or every time one is upset or angry with the other, we meet and it all goes away.

                                                But knowing this does not help us when we fight. I feel pathetic when we fight and I know he feels the same too. I know he does not like it at all. But having different opinions and wanting different things spoils it all. He does everything to make me happy. He thinks about me all the time and if I'm not happy with something, he gives it up for me. That is one reason why he's in Delhi today. But I am just way to selfish about him, I just can't do anything because of which I'll have to live away from him. I feel pathetic when he does something for me but I can't do the same for him. It only makes me question myself. And the only thing that I know after that is that I don't want to lose him. But what if I have to? Will I ever have to let him go? I hope not. But if I don't want to lose him then I will have to adjust with things and I get scared when I think of adjusting, because I can't be happy with it and he just gets to know about it. 

How am I even supposed to manage all this? Just think that everything will be alright and let it be? How can things be alright if we don't do anything to make it alright?

And again, I have no answer, no solution. Just questions and confusions.

When Negative Thoughts Hit You..

Why do we think too much? Why do we have negative thoughts? And when we have positive thoughts then why do we believe in the negative ones? Why do we spoil our mood because some thoughts. How does negative over power the positive? Why do we lose our hopes? Why do we doubt?

We give up on relationships because of these doubts and negative thoughts. We give up on our beliefs because of these doubts and negative thoughts. We lose our friends, family and every special person because of our doubts and negative thoughts?

Why can't we give up on the negative thoughts? Every time we think of something negative, why can't we stop ourselves and think of the positive?

I don't have any answers to this because I think too much and its mostly negative. Whatever I think about, whether its relationships, studies, family or whatever, I think negative. Its like I don't believe in myself, its like I don't believe in my relationships, like I don't believe in God. Its easy for everybody to say that 'God has set something real good for you, don't worry.' Ever noticed that people can just say that so easily but when it comes to themselves they doubt their own abilities? they doubt their own relationships? they doubt themselves? And to be clear, I'm not criticizing here, because I too am like that. I get happy over small things but at the same time I get upset over small things. I doubt myself, I start losing hope and I ask myself, "Why me?"
                                                           I'm sure everyone asks this question to themselves and to God, "why me?" Why can't we just tell ourselves that God will help us through? Why can't we just believe that this bad phase will be over one day and we'll be happy again with whatever we have and that we'll have better. We all give up on our relationships over small issues. We all doubt our capabilities just because we are not getting placed from our respective colleges. We all blame ourselves when something goes wrong? And every time we blame ourselves, I now believe, we blame God.
                                                                                                   Ever thought that like we get hurt, God gets hurt too? God gets hurt when we blame ourselves, when we doubt, when we lose hope, when we give up, when we don't believe in our relationships and in our capabilities?

I don't know where I'm going with this. But this is all that I'm thinking about right now. But all I can say is its high time for me to stop thinking too much, and if I can't stop thinking then I should stop thinking negatively and if I can't do that then I can at least try to control the negative thoughts and let some positive thoughts in, because if every thing has a negative then it has its positives too.

Life Is Mean And Tough!!

I write because I like writing. I write because when I read my diary after a year or 5 years I will remember how I felt when I wrote whatever I did. Because maybe after a year or 5, I will not be the same person I am today. I maybe a little more mature physically..mentally..emotionally or maybe not. I know I'd laugh at most of the things I wrote. Like today I laughed at one of my posts in which I wrote about getting Cancer and dying. What the hell was I thinking? I thought about deleting that post but then I thought, Why should I? I wrote it that time because I really felt it and I should not be ashamed of what I feel or what I felt. I can laugh at it but not be ashamed of it. I don't even know if I'd be alive to read all this. But my family and friends would know. They would know what,how,why I felt about things.
                                      This is one of those times when I don't know what to write but I know I want to write. I am happy and I'm not happy. Everybody is like that. We are all happy and unhappy in life..with life. There are somethings we are happy about...and there are somethings we are not happy about, but we can't change that. We have to live through it no matter what. Nobody is going to change their course of life for you. And when they get a chance, they are going to blame you for a lot of things, but whats important is that you don't blame yourself and you don't regret anything that you do. Happiness comes later. I hate it when people keep telling me what I have and they don't have, that I'm luckier and blah blah...but honeslty, they can't say all that, because they are not living my life.
                                      Today I'm happy I have somethings..some people in my life but I'm unhappy about a lot of other things. I talked to my mom and I cried my heart out infront of her and I just realized that the only person I'm comfortable crying infront of is my mom. Everybody is. But my mom is literally the only person I'm comfortable crying in front of and yes, ofcourse, my "him". Now getting back to what I was trying to talk about. For one moment I lose all my hopes but after sometime I tell myself that God will help through all the ups and downs. No matter how tough History Hons is for me because its definitely not what I wanted to do. I still cry for not being in a situation to do Mass Comm. No matter how tough things get with my brother, my dad. If they don't understand what I feel..how I feel..why I feel, there are some people who understand that and I can talk to them and feel my best. I just have to let things go. And will hopefully keep the psychiatrist away.
                                    At times I can be so very moody. Why? because when I want a hug I don't get it. Because all my favourite people are away. Yes, him too. Life can be so mean and tough. But then what I always forget to think is that when they are away for me, I too am away for them. When they want a hug from me, they don't get it and it upsets them too. It upset "him" too. Life is mean and tough for him too. 
So here's what I know I want to say to life... You want to be tough? I'll be tougher!!!

Maybe not Forever..

It had just been 10 months of him and her...they were still crazily in love with each other...but the long distance was giving her a tough time and they were facing a lot of problems too. Everyday fighting, arguing, frustration and irritation was giving them a tough time. She had started doubting herself. She didn't know if she could handle all of it. All she knew was that she wanted to be with him...forever! But knowing the fact that she will not be able to be in a normal relationship with him was giving her a headache. She didn't think of anything other than him and the long distance. She just wanted her life to be easier...she just wanted to face all the other problems with him by her side, but he said, It may not happen. He told her if he gets placed in Bangalore then his parents will most probably shift to Bangalore too. And she knew that meant the chances of him visiting Delhi could be very less. He may not visit at all.
                                                          She kept thinking, I want him. I can't live without him. I love him. But I want him here...in Delhi. Not some other place away from me. I can't just talk on calls and whatsapp all the time or skype. That is not real. And I want it to be real. 
                                                          How can life be so unfair, she thought. She was angry with him...with herself...with God. She told him that it'll be the end of their relationship if he gets placed in Bangalore. And just like that her hopes of being with him forever were dead. She told him, Maybe we are not meant to be the forever.