Life Is Mean And Tough!!

I write because I like writing. I write because when I read my diary after a year or 5 years I will remember how I felt when I wrote whatever I did. Because maybe after a year or 5, I will not be the same person I am today. I maybe a little more mature physically..mentally..emotionally or maybe not. I know I'd laugh at most of the things I wrote. Like today I laughed at one of my posts in which I wrote about getting Cancer and dying. What the hell was I thinking? I thought about deleting that post but then I thought, Why should I? I wrote it that time because I really felt it and I should not be ashamed of what I feel or what I felt. I can laugh at it but not be ashamed of it. I don't even know if I'd be alive to read all this. But my family and friends would know. They would know what,how,why I felt about things.
                                      This is one of those times when I don't know what to write but I know I want to write. I am happy and I'm not happy. Everybody is like that. We are all happy and unhappy in life..with life. There are somethings we are happy about...and there are somethings we are not happy about, but we can't change that. We have to live through it no matter what. Nobody is going to change their course of life for you. And when they get a chance, they are going to blame you for a lot of things, but whats important is that you don't blame yourself and you don't regret anything that you do. Happiness comes later. I hate it when people keep telling me what I have and they don't have, that I'm luckier and blah blah...but honeslty, they can't say all that, because they are not living my life.
                                      Today I'm happy I have somethings..some people in my life but I'm unhappy about a lot of other things. I talked to my mom and I cried my heart out infront of her and I just realized that the only person I'm comfortable crying infront of is my mom. Everybody is. But my mom is literally the only person I'm comfortable crying in front of and yes, ofcourse, my "him". Now getting back to what I was trying to talk about. For one moment I lose all my hopes but after sometime I tell myself that God will help through all the ups and downs. No matter how tough History Hons is for me because its definitely not what I wanted to do. I still cry for not being in a situation to do Mass Comm. No matter how tough things get with my brother, my dad. If they don't understand what I feel..how I feel..why I feel, there are some people who understand that and I can talk to them and feel my best. I just have to let things go. And will hopefully keep the psychiatrist away.
                                    At times I can be so very moody. Why? because when I want a hug I don't get it. Because all my favourite people are away. Yes, him too. Life can be so mean and tough. But then what I always forget to think is that when they are away for me, I too am away for them. When they want a hug from me, they don't get it and it upsets them too. It upset "him" too. Life is mean and tough for him too. 
So here's what I know I want to say to life... You want to be tough? I'll be tougher!!!

Maybe not Forever..

It had just been 10 months of him and her...they were still crazily in love with each other...but the long distance was giving her a tough time and they were facing a lot of problems too. Everyday fighting, arguing, frustration and irritation was giving them a tough time. She had started doubting herself. She didn't know if she could handle all of it. All she knew was that she wanted to be with him...forever! But knowing the fact that she will not be able to be in a normal relationship with him was giving her a headache. She didn't think of anything other than him and the long distance. She just wanted her life to be easier...she just wanted to face all the other problems with him by her side, but he said, It may not happen. He told her if he gets placed in Bangalore then his parents will most probably shift to Bangalore too. And she knew that meant the chances of him visiting Delhi could be very less. He may not visit at all.
                                                          She kept thinking, I want him. I can't live without him. I love him. But I want him here...in Delhi. Not some other place away from me. I can't just talk on calls and whatsapp all the time or skype. That is not real. And I want it to be real. 
                                                          How can life be so unfair, she thought. She was angry with him...with herself...with God. She told him that it'll be the end of their relationship if he gets placed in Bangalore. And just like that her hopes of being with him forever were dead. She told him, Maybe we are not meant to be the forever.

The Damned Distances!!

                                                           
For the first time in 6 months, she had nothing good to say about her relationship. A relationship is not a cake walk all the time. She should have known. Every kind of thought crossed her mind... "what if it doesn't work out", "what if I give up" , "I don't want to stay away from him", "does he really care", "do we actually have a future together",  "how will I handle the distance"..with all of these crazy thoughts she thought its getting too complicated but with all these thoughts, she forgot the most important thing. That was the relationship they shared...the love they had between them. Was that not enough to have them handle the distance?? But for 6 years? she said...Is that not too long? But with their love...with the understanding...they should come out strong. But she went crazy thinking about him and the distance. Having to stay away from him for 6 years was not a good thought to have.

                                       
               She knew he couldn't help it...she knew he was not at fault but she couldn't help being mad at him. She couldn't avoid all the thoughts messing with her mind and she took all the frustration out  on him and she regretted it...she was sorry but she couldn't help it...she was just crazy. Why did love had to be so strong? Why did love had to be so difficult...so challenging? why did love had to test you like this? she thought and she didn't get an answer to any of her questions. And she got crazier. In the end, all she could do was cry. She cried it out. She cried it all out. She just wanted to feel better...get back to her normal self. It felt like she had wanted to cry since a long time. She thought crying would make her feel better..that crying will help her get all her frustration out. But it affected her health. She got a little unwell. Little high a temperature. Guess..thinking too much about things does spoil your health. So she thought..."fine, wait for 6 years and get married to him to spend time with him and don't over think about this now...don't spoil your mood...don't spoil your day...don't spoil your health...just be glad that you have him and get through these 6 years and then you get to be with him your entire life...eat his head after that...ruin his taste buds by serving him burnt and pathetic food...don't kiss him when he would want to or anything else more than that and just take all the 6 year frustration out on him like that..get back at him and he better not complain".

WOW...right?? She is one crazy girl....more than I am. All planned to give him a hard time and she was sure he won't complain...he's too good to do that. He could handle her at her worst..and this was nothing. So she came up with the idea of giving him a hard time in some other way...ha ha. I wish I could explain it in a better way but I'm just starting to try it. But anyways...she told him that she wanted to get things back to normal...that she didn't want to lose him...and he told her that he will not leave her. She knew that already.
After all....Distance means so little when someone means so much!!
                         

                                               

Four days with HIM!! Finally!!

He came to Delhi on the 21st of October and gave her a call in the morning from the Delhi Airport!! She was so excited but couldn't say anything because of her dad sitting next to her!! Yeah, the parents don't know yet. So they start talking in the evening....both of them excited about finally meeting the next day!! She, literally, couldn't sleep because of her excitement!! Crazy, yeah!! Totally!!

The next morning she woke up..got ready...boarded the metro...met him at Janakpuri West!! They moment they met, they hugged each other....and the metro guy comes and says, "You are not supposed to hug publicly".  Not supposed to hug publicly?? Really??? That guy can go to hell!! She said to herself.
And then she turns to him.. nahh.. not the metro guy!! the guy she hugged!! and says.. "finally, we meet!!!
"yessss" he replies!! She went to a Church with him...the Church she has been going to with her mom since she was a kid. She liked going there and wanted to go with him too. They go to eat..the place was awesome! Though she didn't really eat anything. She was all happy with her shake...and he had to eat her stuff too!! That was no biggie for him.

Why do we have to go back? she thought. She really didn't want to leave. But then they had to! And she anyhow managed to convince him to meet the next day!! Phewww!! She had not planned anything for the day. All that she wanted was to meet him..all that he wanted was to meet her. Please...if you're reading this..don't be disgusted. This is what happens when you fall in love. You'll realize when it happens to you!! 
Again..as time passed by...they had to go back....she didn't want to leave..not that he wanted to but someone had to be stronger and they had to remember...he was in Delhi just for a few days. But she spoiled her mood on the way back. He was with her...he used to drop her till her metro station but she had totally spoiled her mood. Didn't hug him while leaving. She knew that would hurt but she still didn't hug him. She regretted it the moment she left...maybe it was too late for her to go back to him for the hug. She had to talk it out with him...she let all her feelings out in front of him through messages and he promised her that they'll meet again. She felt bad...she knew he had to spend time with his family but she couldn't help it. She knew she was being selfish..but she just wanted to be with him. Because after all, they were not going to meet for a long time after he left from Delhi.

Their third meet...and she meets two of his friends!! Not really bored but then they just didn't have any common topic to talk about. But then she still liked meeting them. They clicked a few pictures of him with her..again something they wanted for so long, a picture together and it came out nice!
And another meeting got over. They went back to their respective places and yes, she did hug him while leaving this time. And no bad mood.

Now, they knew it was going to be their last meet. Not that they were not going to meet ever...but the next meeting was not going to happen for a long time now. She wanted it to be good. It was good...they went for a movie...she finally ate something with him and they went to Barista. Spent some time together...and it was coming to an end...and she was starting to spoil her mood again but she had to be fine with it. She knew it would spoil his mood too. He dropped her to her metro station..they looked at each other..that was it..she had to leave. They hugged and yeah..a quite a tight hug. She got a rikshaw...he didn't leave till she was gone and they already missed each other. Too cheesy??? Well..stay away for this long and then meet your guy/girl..you'll know how hard it is!!

The four days were good...meeting him was good. Spending time with him was good. Better than good!! And in between they had their first kiss. She didn't want to give the details about this. 

And with no idea of when they'll get to meet again....she just prays that they grow stronger!! She knows they will. Because he is also not gonna let her go weak. 

The Spoiled Surprise!!

Long Distance relationship??? Aaaarrrggghhh..... just a mood spoiler when your guy/girl isn't there to share your happiness with you... to hug you whenever you need it... to just be there with you when you're upset. Irritating right?? Upsetting it is!!

What about those who start their relationship with someone who's far away. And you don't know how but you spend three months staying away from each other, well, you do lose your patience. Especially when you realize that your not gonna meet him for at least one year. God... you just go down with that!! How in hell can someone bear that??? But, in love, we do! We get this super duper magical power of waiting for as long as you have to...you just become patient!! But one year without even meeting him/her once??? Your patience blasts out!! Well...she did lose her patience.... I don't blame her!!! 

She decides to go to her friend's place and spend her day with her. They talk and update each other with everything they've been missing on and he messages her -

HIM - hey... guess what??

HER - what?? *thinking its good news*

HIM - can I call?

HER - yeah, sure.

*and he calls*

HIM - guess what..

HER - yeah?

HIM - I'm also going to Kerala in December.

HER - Ok, but I'm not sure that I'm going.

HIM - yeah, but I'm going. My parents want me to go as I've not been to Kerala for a long time now.

HER - okay.. wow!! there she goes down....**** love!! 

HIM - yeah

HER - anyways..I gotta go now, I'll talk to you later

HIM - why?

HER - she *her friends..lets not name her* is showing me something.

HIM - okay, bye

HER - bye *and that's it...she can't stop thinking about this crap*

And the worst thing... her friend has to try and cool her down now. 

She was so angry. First, it was October and it got cancelled because his placements and now the December visit is cancelled. Why did he have to tell her about it when she was with her friend? 

Oh wait... that was not it. He also added one more thing to his line... " We'll only meet after one year now". And she felt like giving him a hard one right on his face *even though it was not his fault* but she was irritated with him too. After sometime, when she still couldn't stop thinking about it, she just wanted to give him a piece of her mind and she texts him a long one. He apologized. She felt bad for being so rude with him. He called her up and apologized for spoiling her mood and told her that he'd be coming in October.

                                         

SILENCE!!! she was shocked. She couldn't believe what she just heard. Is he kidding me? she thought.

And says - what??

HIM - yeah, I'm coming. I wanted to give you a surprise but then I couldn't see you upset. I'm sorry I spoiled your mood.

HER - I'm sorry... I spoiled your surprise. *she was feeling so pathetic and cursing herself* 

HIM - its okay *he was a little down too*

HER - why did you tell me about your surprise now?

HIM - because I can't see you upset like this. And I didn't want you to be upset just because I wanted to give you a surprise and I know you'll think about it all the time and I didn't want you to spend 2 months like this.

HER - *wanting to hug him or maybe even kiss him tight* I love you

HIM - I love you too baby

and they start talking about general things.

Well..so now she knew that he was coming in October and she still feels pathetic for spoiling the surprise.

So, if you're jealous of her for having him!! "Bwaahaaahaaahahaa" on your face.

But honestly... you don't have to jealous. When you're in love.. he/she will do such beautiful things for you.

*naah... I'm just trying to be nice actually* Don't mind!!

But one thing's for sure.... You'll be in a world full of love and happiness if you find someone like him. And I'm saying that because she is just too happy with him and is head over heels for him. And she feel great!!

P.S. I still don't blame her for spoiling it!!  *eyelashes*

Holding On!!

                                                 

People tend to go all crazy when they fall in love. They start talking about thing which they once thought was stupid or they do things which they never even imagined they'd be doing. The feeling of love is different for everybody. Some describe love as passion, some describe it as a need.

For me...Love is something which cannot be described. It has no language, no boundaries. Anyone who has ever been in love would know what I'm trying to say.

                                                    Love is when you see them and you can't help but smile. Love is when the moment you see them you have this twinkle in your eyes. Love is when you go weak on your knees every time they look into your eyes and tell you that they love you. Love is when you don't want anything but to have them by your side. It is love when you'd give anything to see keep them smiling. 

                                                   I could just go on and on about love.... but the feeling is different every time. Love has many moments.....many sweet and beautiful moments. But you don't feel the good of it all the time because love can be very testing. You have to hold onto it no matter what.....and the ones who do...well they'd have no regrets. It can be bitter but in the end you get the best out of it. 

And again....she thinks about it all... she knows he is what she wants. She knows this is not going to be easy. Staying away from the one she loves....not being able to meet....thinking about the time when she'd meet him....what they'd do....and she gets all teary eyed because she knows that she's gonna have to wait a lot to be able to meet him. He tries to make her feel better and tells her to think about the time when they'd be together, when they'd be with each other and not about the time when they are apart because that is something which they can't do anything about. They both know they're gonna have to hold onto each other because its about them and its worth it.

                                  They love each other...no matter what. They get scared at times...but they don't leave it at that because love means holding onto each other just as hard as you can and there is nothing they would like better than to hold onto each other forever.

Him and Her......EVERYDAY!!!

                                                         
They may look like crazies to others...but its about him for her and her for him!! That's all they care about. And she thinks, This is what love feels like? She's in a beautiful world with him and doesn't want to get out of it. She wants him forever. She just wants to tell the whole world.
                                        The fact that they stay far away is not so pleasing for them...it upsets them...they just want to be able to meet as soon as possible. Well, God bless computers and internet and people who made things like Skype....they can video chat. They do it as much as they can. They don't get enough of it. Every time they video chat..it makes them want to be with each other all the time. They did not even think of being with each other like this even in their wildest of dreams....but you just never know. Things happen when u least expect them and Love is one of them.
                                        Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can truly turn your world around. You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. When something wonderful happens you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. And this is exactly the kind of relationship they share.
He is not embarrassed to cry with her when she's hurt or laugh with her when she makes a fool of herself.
He gives it his best...all that he can. He gets scared sometimes, he doesn't want to hurt her feelings in any ways....she knows he never will. He builds her up and shows her the things about herself that make her special and even beautiful. He just doesn't realize how special he is. It takes a lot to make someone feel so good about themselves...to make someone feel so loved...and he makes her feel on the top of the world. Even though they fail to express their true feelings for each other...just because they don't find the right words. But, they still know how special they are to each other and that helps them hold on to each other even when they are so away from each other.
                                       One of the best things about them is that there is no pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness and the calmness is not awkward at all. They can just be themselves with each other and not worry about what one will think of the other because they love each other for who they are. And as one crazy person she is...and he still bears her...in fact loves her is the proof of it!! But then at the same time its good for him, he'd never get bored!! Thanx to her!! He's one lucky chap. Though she's lucky too....as she never believed in relationships, he just did not have to do anything to make her believe in relationships. He was enough for her, falling in love with him was enough for her. They way he looks into her eyes is enough for her to fall for him head over heels every time.
                                        Though sometimes they get scared about their relationship and that's because of the distance between them. As he says, distance is good for a little time, not always! But at the same time they know they have to handle it, they have to manage. They have to be strong, and its just about some time..and it'll be perfectly alright. Just some patience and they'd be able to be with each other whenever they want. They know that relationships have their good times and bad times as well...they can be together in the good times and they can be together in the bad times as well. Because now that  they are in love, now that they are together, to her life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Her only hope and security is in knowing that he is a part of her life. A kind of a part which is the most special and important to her, a part she will never let go of and she knows it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be real hard. She knows they're gonna have to be patient, strong every day and she wants to be and she will be because its him who matters to her and that's all she wants. Him and her......everyday!!!