Dwelling on the best.

She just sits, staring at the ceiling of her room, trying to gather her thoughts, trying to gather her feelings. A lot has happened in her life over the past 9 months and she's trying to know, trying to decide, really trying hard what she thinks and believes. All her thinking power drained out over these past few months. She came to a phase where her mind is actually blank from a phase where she had an over storage of thoughts in her mind.                                                                  
So much happens in your life that you just block everything out, every thought. People question you, your existence, make you feel bad about yourself, try to take away this one person in your life you truly love and want to spend your life with. She really was badly tested. She had fights with him, almost everyday. Fighting with him killed her emotionally and mentally. She did not want to fight, she loved him. But everytime something happened, she lost all her patience, she lost all her mental peace, it suffocated her, it was too damn frustrating. She desperately wanted it all to end, not her relationship, but all the bad things that had a bad effect on her relationship with him. Then he told her, "baby, I love you. i don't want to lose you. Please don't let this affect you, this is something trying to break us." And she knew he was being honest, because there was an honest desperation for her in his voice.  
               She tried to put her thoughts in a diary. But everything that came out was negative. Not because she did not trust him, but because of all the negative happenings. Then, she decided letting all the negativity go and thinking about all the good things, all the positive things that happened in between all the negativity.
      Without taking much time, she realized that there were many good things that happened, many precious moments that she had shared with him. She forgot that whenever she was with him, whenever they met, there was no trouble, they were truly happy, in love. She forgot about all the times he gave her the strength to hang on. And most of all, in between all the negativity since the past nine months, she also did not notice one important thing, and that was... Nine months of negativity, nine months of fights, he never gave up on her, they never stopped loving each other. After every fight their love just grew for each other. Their bond just became stronger and stronger with time. And that's when she realized, that she's one stupid girl. She has all she wants, all she believes in right there with her, and she was letting the negativity ruin her when she had her strength right there with her.
                     She once told me, "you know love is the worst and the best thing that happens to us, we just have to choose what we dwell on, and I now decide to dwell on the best."

Not Easy!!

Life gets really tough when you suddenly find out that the one person you love doesn't really love you. All that person feels or felt for you was sympathy. Maybe because you had some problems and they thought that you'd be broken if they leave you. Yeah, sometimes you just over think and assume such things but sometimes all these things happen to be real. You just find out what that person really feels for you. And whatever that person feels, its not love. Call it care, call it sympathy, anything but not love. Yeah maybe you were spying on that person, checking on a few things they do because of your insecurities but you find out that your insecurities turned out to be real. Then what? You blame yourself for doubting on them and checking on them or you blame them? And on top of all that, if you find out that this person doesn't only NOT love you but loves his/her friend and that friend loves them back, then what? You feel like shit! Don't you? What do u believe now? Them telling you that they love you and not their friend? That they were irritated with you because of some stupid fight you had with them, so they said it out of anger or irritation or would you believe the chat you just read between them and their friend? It gets so complicated. What about your feelings that just got crushed? What about that heartbreaking feeling you get when you see your love telling someone else they love them and not you. How do you believe that person when they tell you they love you. You try hard, you really do to trust them, but!! The "but" stays. You see them crying, you see them fighting for you, to have you back in their life, you know they love you, but then every time they tell you they love you, you pause for a second and can't help but think of that moment when they told someone else they love them.

Things change. You decide to give your relationship another chance, but at the same time you put restrictions in their life. You start feeling insecure when you see them talking to that friend again and so you ask them to stop talking to that friend, and they listen to you and stop talking to them. All for your happiness, so that they don't lose you. But you feel like you lost yourself somewhere in here. You realize that you are restricting your love from doing things they like, from talking to people they like, you doubt, you let your insecurities grow. But what you really wanted to do was to take a chance, give your relationship a chance and trust them, learn to trust them and be happy but instead what you did was put a limit to their happiness and because of that your happiness comes to a stop. Why? Because you love them and if they are not happy, then how can you be happy? They stop telling you how they feel, especially if they are unhappy because of something because they feel it'll upset you. So they decide to not tell you.

Both of you think of the other person's happiness, but still things don't work. You end up fighting, crying, apologizing, and don't know what all you do. You love each other. You definitely do. But something just went wrong. What, you don't know. So what do you do? You don't know that too. All this, all the problems, just because of that one thing you found out, something they did by mistake, something they did out of anger or confusion.

What's the solution? It has to be love, for love heals everything I've heard. And so, if they both love each other, then things have to be alright. They try, try, try and try till things work. They fill in the pits on the road and work it out together to put a happy road to their life together. Well, its a matter of love. All kinds of complications creep in. So no matter what, the ones who get out of these complications together, strongly are the ones who are meant to be together. Its a difficult road to walk on, but such is life dearies!

Year Ends Here...

Its 30th of December and I'm sitting on my bed, with a laptop on my lap, drinking my coffee and thinking. Aaahh, "thinking", something that I do every second. Sometimes I think I should be able to write more and better because of the thinking ability that I have, but I get scared of being too bold in what I write. Then I open my diary and start writing, so I keep that to myself. Someday, that diary may become a book, but I can't let anybody read my diary till I'm alive. Too many thoughts in there, but I still don't do any justice to my mind. That's how much I think!!
                                                                            I'd like to share my thoughts though. The ones I've been having today. I woke up today, not happy due to some reasons, and thought, very soon this year will end and as soon as the next year starts, I'll start going to college starting off with my 4th semester. 3rd semester did not go well. I mean the results which I got last night only. And then I started thinking about all the things I did this year. Had my ups and downs, more of downs, but I still ended up staying strong and happy, all the credit goes to some beautiful people in my life and I thank God for them every single day. Today, I realized that I grew up every single day. Every day I learned something. I don't know about how positive or negative impact it left on me, but I did learn, about people, about life, about myself. Even if we stop growing physically, we never stop growing mentally and emotionally, which I think is very important for us. This year I stopped talking to some people, for the good or bad, I don't know. I got to know new people. I learned that if you care for someone, it's not necessary that they care for you too. I learned that you don't always get what you want and you should be okay with it but I also realized that if that goes on for a long time, then you start giving up, you start losing faith. No matter how much you try to hold on, you just can't and I think it's perfectly alright because you are a human being and you can't be perfect. I also learned that if in this moment you are sad, you have something to be happy about the very next moment and you should not stop yourself from being happy. Because sometimes we think we are supposed to be sad, which is not true. Like today, I was not happy in the morning, I got up from my bed, brushed my teeth, took my bath and whatever that is needed for a normal human being to get fresh, got ready and walked towards Hannah's(my best friend) place. I knew she'd make me forget about it all even if I don't talk to her about it but obviously, you don't hide anything from your best friend, do you? It does not even take seconds for her to change my mood. It's like God made her my best friend so I could transform into my normal self from a boring sad person. And while I walked towards her place which takes at least 15 minutes, I listened to some music, using my amazing new earphones, Yes I wanted to mention that! because I just didn't want my thoughts to ruin my amazing walk. I reached her place, entered her room and she looked at me and there I smiled. The first smile of the day on my face. That's it, my happy hours began there. And while I was talking to her, I realized yet another thing, I have another home, and that's hers. I can go there any time I want and take all my frustration out and come back happy. I'm lucky on that part. Thank God for best friends.
                                      And so, as I thought of everything I did this year, about all my ups and downs, even though the downs were more in number, I know I smiled more than I frowned. Hence, it was a happy year and I thank God for all the blessings he has showered on me in form of the wonderful people I have in my life, who do everything possible and impossible on this earth to see me smile. With this, I know I'll have another happy year, even if it comes with a lot of downs. I know how to stand up straight and walk head to head with all the downs.

Someday...

She is sad. Or broken. She keeps trying to get back to a normal state of mind but something goes wrong every time she tries. People ask what's wrong, and all she says she that she is tired. Tired of having to go through the troubles she'd been facing. Tired of that pain she felt almost every day. Tired of trying to run away to a better place. Tired of looking for happiness. Tired of trying to have some peace of mind. And even if at some point she gets some peace of mind, something or "someone" always takes it away from her. She wants to help herself, but she's helpless? Nothing works. She's banged up, mentally and emotionally. But everyday she walks out with a smile on her face, because that's what she's supposed to do. It's gotten to a point where she doesn't know who she is anymore. She constantly feels like she is on the verge of breaking down. She feels like she's going crazy. She can't sleep, she can't concentrate. She's a mess. She's coming apart at the seams and it scares her. Everybody tells her to be strong, that she can't give up. But they don't know how her life is. They would never know till they try living her life. She knows it wouldn't even take a day for them to give up. Whereas, it's been years since she's been seeing and going through all that she didn't deserve. Nobody understands but there is a difference between giving up, and knowing when you've had enough, and she knows she has had enough. Enough to still go on like this. Enough to still having to live in this hell. But what is it that she can do?

She knows that someday she will be happy again. She knows that someday it will all be good. She knows that someday she will have everything she wishes for. Someday. Only if that someday could come sooner... Someday...

On His Day!!

She started thinking almost a month before about what she could do for him on his day...on his birthday! Now that he was not too far away from her, she wanted to do something for him. She tried to save money, thought she could gift him a t-shirt or maybe his favorite headphones. Then she realized her pocket money would not be enough, but she tried to save anyway, but it just did not happen. She was sad and worried because she really wanted to do something for him. She could have made a journal for him but then they wouldn't have had as many pages for the journal because they were in a long distance for a year and she needed quite a few pictures with him to complete a journal. And so she dropped the plan of making a journal for sometime. She kept thinking and thinking and thinking and could not come up with an idea. She got upset. Thinking was not one of her best things. Every time she thought about something so much she would end up getting upset, because obviously, too much of thinking does no good to anybody. She kept asking her friends to give her some ideas but none of them could help her. She knew he would not expect anything for all he cared about was her being there for him and her love for him, but she wanted to something anyways. She wanted to be able to do something special for him but it seemed like her plans were ruined.

A week before his birthday, all she would talk about was his birthday, her friends were bored and she wanted to shut up but her excitement could be seen on her face and her friends would tease her. And then just a day before his birthday, she started thinking of the words she would say while wishing him at midnight, but nothing seemed to be right, nothing seemed to be perfect. Anything done for him was always too less. An hour before midnight, she started getting restless, she just wanted to call him up and wanted to be able to talk to him. She wished her family wasn't around so that she could wish him and talk to him properly. And she waited... 20 minutes before midnight, she called him up and they talked about random stuff and she suddenly felt nervous, she went all blank, did not remember anything she wanted to say to him...but she didn't let it show...

Finally, at midnight, she wished him and came up with a stupid birthday song and after singing she felt stupid, like a kid. "What was that?" she thought to herself. It was his birthday and that would have possibly been the worst way of wishing anybody. But something made him smile and she was happy about that. He had to keep the phone down because his friends had started calling and they called it a night. In the morning, while she was getting ready to go out, she kept thinking about him. She missed him, wanted to be with him on his day. She still thought of things she could still do for him but nothing worked. She missed him all day and thought about him. He was with his family atleast, he would be having fun and that is enough. "He should have a good day with or without me on his day" she thought but she still couldn't let it go. She so badly wanted to do something for him, that her mind just did not leave the thought of him.

And suddenly she said to herself "I never did so much of thinking for any guy..why am I thinking about him so much, Yes, I love him but...is that how love makes you feel every time, like you want to keep them happy somehow, want to be able to do something every time?" But this stupid love struck girl was stupid enough to not let go of it...and finally she did something, which she still wonders if he'd like it.

So, she still did not stop thinking. Now she had something else to think about. "What if he doesn't like it? Is this good enough for a birthday?" And like always....she kept thinking. The job she does best but it does no good for her.

If Only Fairy Tales Could Come True!!

Ever heard about a childhood love lasting forever? In movies right? It could be true in real life but it happens rarely. One has to be really lucky for that to come true. It's like a fairy tale. It's good to hear but you know it would never come true. And love at first sight? blah! Not possible in real life. But sometimes its great to know that it happens in real life with some lucky people. So here comes the story... A REAL ONE.. not much of a fairy tale but its real and that's what matters...

He was in the second year of sixth grade in a new school. His parents made him repeat since he had not done well. So, a new school, first day, first hour - he saw her. For the first time ever he felt something different about a girl. She was very beautiful! Fair and straight long hair. Everything about her was special and it was a love at first sight. Now as he was just in 6th standard, he was too small to have the guts to ask her out. But in seventh grade, a year later he made his friend tell her about his feelings. His bad luck, she simply told his friend to tell him to get lost. His heart was broken!! Then the poor guy came to know that he was the 17th guy to have asked her out that year. Wow, now who could have imagined she was that beautiful or maybe guys were just desperate. But that was true, so she may have thought that he's one of those stupid guys with no true feelings. He was an invisible person till then in that school. He then started participating in cultural activities like singing, dancing etc and became a well known guy in the school. She had started noticing him and finally went to him and told him that she had fallen for him. Lucky guy was jumping around with happiness because he could not handle the happiness. They started going out from then. She was his first love and he was the same for her. He was mad about her. She stayed 15-20 kms away from his place. He had gone to her house one night all the way walking. This lover used to do this almost every time. First love, initial days. HAPPENS. They were both mad about each other. Years passed and they finished schooling and were still going strong. Both joined for engineering. But in different places, as in different states. She joined somewhere in Cochin and he was in Bangalore. Damn the long distance, nightmare it is. So as expected, long distance started bugging them. Days passed. The frustration creeped in. Again his bad luck, she cheated on him. He came to know about this from someone else and his heart was broken!! And then were the days of anger, sadness...and then he broke up with her. After some time she came back and realized what she did was wrong. She really did understand that. He got back with her. Again after 4-5 months, he realized what she did and broke up again. It was really some confusing time for him. He had feelings for her but couldn't accept the fact that she cheated on him. This became a daily routine for them, break up and patch up, break up and patch up. This went on for a while. Then they finally just broke up. It had been quite some time that he contacted her. He was over her but she was not. Or maybe he thought he was over her but he was not. He had given her a lot of chances but she had broken his heart so bad that he couldn't forget it. She kept coming back to him telling him she loved him and she was sorry and wanted to be with him, but he kept going away.
                                                                        Then after a long time, she came in contact again, and now they are back together. Hoping to have a future together. Maybe he just needed time to get over whatever had happened because no matter what he loved her and he couldn't let her go. And she really loved him and so she kept trying and trying. And finally it paid off. Guess real love always stays. They were both happy and so what else did they need? The past was forgotten and they were back together, in love like never before, stronger!!

And I always love it when love is in the air and that's why I love doing love stories.
And this was not much of a fairy tale like I said before but it is a true story!!! 

It's Complicated!!

Do you love fighting? I hope not. Do I love fighting? Definitely not. 

Then why do we fight? Why do we argue? Why do we get into fights with the ones we love? The more we love someone the more we fight with them? Why? 

Because sometimes we don't agree with what the other person says, or because we don't like what they do. Something or the happens and we get into fights. 

                                                   I am so scared of fights that whenever I get into a fight with a close one, I get scared. I get scared that I'd lose them, that they'll go away from me. I don't take fights in a positive sense at all. Can fights be taken in a positive sense? I don't know. Because when we fight, it never feels good. 

                                                   I've been fighting with him since 2-3 days now. Everyday, we fight over some new topic. Sometimes its about his job, sometimes its about some stupid thing I did or something that he did. Things get so weird for me because I get scared and I can't help it. Why do we have to make compromises in relationships? Every time one has to compromise for the other. Why can't we just live without compromises? These things make the relationships so complicated. You do something, then the other is not happy and then you do something for their happiness but you really are not that happy. One always has to adjust. But why do we have to adjust? Why can't things be a little easier? Why does every part of living has to be tough? Whatever we do, one of us is always a little upset with things. But this does not mean we don't love each other. We do.  A lot. We just have to meet to forget it all. We just meet and see each others faces and all the sadness goes away and it feels like nothing was ever wrong.  Every time we fight or every time one is upset or angry with the other, we meet and it all goes away.

                                                But knowing this does not help us when we fight. I feel pathetic when we fight and I know he feels the same too. I know he does not like it at all. But having different opinions and wanting different things spoils it all. He does everything to make me happy. He thinks about me all the time and if I'm not happy with something, he gives it up for me. That is one reason why he's in Delhi today. But I am just way to selfish about him, I just can't do anything because of which I'll have to live away from him. I feel pathetic when he does something for me but I can't do the same for him. It only makes me question myself. And the only thing that I know after that is that I don't want to lose him. But what if I have to? Will I ever have to let him go? I hope not. But if I don't want to lose him then I will have to adjust with things and I get scared when I think of adjusting, because I can't be happy with it and he just gets to know about it. 

How am I even supposed to manage all this? Just think that everything will be alright and let it be? How can things be alright if we don't do anything to make it alright?

And again, I have no answer, no solution. Just questions and confusions.